Midagi naiivsemat pole olemas kui see

To touch You,
to touch You and hold You.
Maybe even to kiss You...?
No, definitely to kiss You!
To hug You.
To feel Your heart beat.
To feel You breathe.

That's what I want to do
the next time we meet.



Aga need on kõik minu tunded. Minu! MINU!!!
Olen sinisilmne naiivitar.

And the only reason, why I'm stuck in a moment, is because I allowed myself to dream.
The Unattainable Dream.

Prejudice

„Am I awake? Maybe I’m dead! I wish I was dead..." Katie forced the last thought out of her mind. Stupid!’ she muttered to herself, „You don’t really want to be dead!” Katie tried to focus her look. „Are my eyes open or closed?” she wondered. Katie was sure her eyes were open. „But why the heck is everything grey?” Then she realized her body was numb and she began to feel dizzy. Katie closed her eyes and tried to picture herself flying- it had always relieved her nausea. A sudden twinge in her abdomen made her come back to reality, Katie curled up in pain and suppressed the urge to throw up, her vision became clear- everything got it’s right colour back. „Now I’m definitely awake!” She sat up and ran her eyes over the room, then she got out of the bed and went to the bathroom.

Cool floor relieved her dizziness, Katie tried to puke, but nothing came out. After taking a somewhat refreshing shower the girl went back to bed.

„So here I am, laying in a hospital bed.” Katie sat up to see the whole room. She wasn’t the only one in the ward- there were two older women and a girl, presumably the same age as Katie. „She’s definitely Russian. She sure looks like one. I mean who on Earth would wear make-up if one’s going to have a medical procedure?!” The Russian girl started to sob. „Yeah, I knew it, she is Russian, she’s crying. Why did she come here in the first place and went through this if she’s feeling guilty now?”, Katie couldn’t stand that irritating sound.

Contrary to the Russian girl Katie felt happy. She had been afraid that her soul would feel empty afterwards, but to her pleasure it wasn’t so. She felt happy and relieved for that thing, that not wanted, hated thing in her was now gone. For the first time in two months she felt free and hopeful.

Katie fluffed her pillow and sat back- a nurse had brought her tea and cookies- to get the sugar up, she had explained. Katie sipped her tea and tried to remember what had happened in the operations room just before she had passed out. All she could remember were the blaming and condemning looks from the nurses, and even from the doctor. Katie began to feel frustrated and furious, she took a deep breath and exhaled. „It doesn’t matter what they think. They know nothing about me, they don’t know what happened to me, they’re just a bunch of well-paid snobs, who can’t and won’t see beyond their prejudice.” Katie also remembered this one remark from a nurse when Katie was cheking in:”You know, condoms aren’t that expencive,” she also remembered the nurse’s daunted face when she had snapped:”Rapist’s don’t always use condoms, you bitch!” Katie felt a sudden burst of self-hatred and pity, she closed her eyes and hid herself under the bedcovers.

Läbikukkuja

Heal lapsel mitu nime.
Läbikukkuja lisandus nüüd minu nimede hulgale. Sest ma olen ju nii hea.
Läbikukkuja cum laude?
(Haah! Tunnista, et olen naljakas!)
Nendele, kes veel ei tea- ma sain eksamil 50-st punktist 48 punkti ja ma kukkusin läbi.
Et siis- tere tulemast täiskasvanute maailma!
Thanks but no thanks!
I prefer my own twisted, sick, little world where dreams do come true, red is the colour of love and summer lasts all year long.

Põrumine paneb mõtlema. Et ma ei suuda ega oska mitte midagi teha.
Et minul ei ole mõtet.
Kõige rohkem vihkan seda luuseri-tunnet. Ja sellele järgnevat masendust. Ja sellest tingitud stressi ja enesehävitamisvajadust. Ja enesehaletsust.
Põrumine paneb vihkama.
Ennast.
Ma olen end kaotanud. Eneseusu ja enesekindluse ja enesearmastuse.
Ma ei julge midagi ette võtta- kardan läbi kukkuda.
Ma tunnen ainult hirmu.
Hirmu järgmise kaotuse ees. Et ma jälle pettun endas.
Olen oma tunnete ori.
Ja ma ei oska kuidagi sellest seisundist tagasi tulla. Praegu ma ei ole kindel, kas ma tahangi.
'Cos i haven't hit the rock-bottom yet.
See protsess on kuradi pikk.

Ideaalis ma soovin, et keegi minu kõrval oleks... lihtsalt oleks mu kõrval, kuni ma selle faasi läbin. (Teadmata, kaua see kesta võiks!) See teadmine, et keegi on minu kõrval, on.... kõik.
Aga kedagi ei ole.
Sest keegi ei hooli.

Ka mina, Brutus?

Kaotatud ja leitud asjad

Ma ei ole kaotatud asjade hulgas.
Ja ma ei ole ka leitud asjade hulgas.
Kindlasti ei kuulu ma leidmata asjade hulka, sest kui mind pole otsima hakatud, siis ei saa ma olla leidmata ega leitud.
Ma paneksin enda... arvaksin enda otsimata asjade hulka.
Miks just sinna?
Aga kuhu siis veel?
Otsimata asjade hulka, sest veel ei teata, et ma olen kadunud... või kadumas?
Ja kui minu kadumine ei ole kindel, siis ei saa mind ka üles leida, sest kuidas leida midagi, mis pole kadunud?


"Kas teist keegi aru sai, kuhu Kati karu sai?"

Minu Näitleja

Ma nägin Teda täna mängimas. Ilus oli vaadata. Ta oli nagu kala vees.
...Tegi hinge hellaks.
Ma nüüd ei teagi, kas Tema tegi seda või Tema mängimine. Või see kooslus. Igatahes mulle meeldis... meeldib.
Näha Tema kirge, näha Teda kellegi teisena. Unustada ära, kes Ta minu jaoks on ja uskuda tunnike seda, keda Ta mängib olevat.
Ilus.
Hindamatu!

Samas ma tundsin, et ma vaatan Teda läbi klaasseina.
Nii lähedal, ometi nii kaugel...
Et Ta on maailmas, kus mind ei ole.
Ja paratamatult mõtlesin, et kumb maailm Talle enam meeldib, kas see, kus mina ka olen või see, kus mind ei ole. Ja miks. Ja mida see tähendab. Ja miks mulle alati sellised nõmedad mõtted pähe kargavad.
*Rahutuks teen ma end ise*

"Olen kutsumata külaline Sinu kodus
ja kerjus, anudes Sult armastust..."

.armastan.